Mumbai

Mumbai,a city with huge population of about 2 crores is nothing less than a 'being'.It grows every day and has its own bunch of experiences to share. A week in this place and I have already been through numerous ups and downs. It broke me down and now is making me grow as an individual. I learn so much every day that each day seems like a journey. I loathed it...the mess,the crowd,the cheats,the hustle,the struggle,the pain...everything. The reality has sunk in. We come alone, we leave alone. We work hard for ourselves and at the end of the day that is what matters. But now I look around and observe this is what I was waiting for all my life. Battling on my own, independent, free, unbounded, the pleasure of struggling. I learn, I perspire, I smile, I fall,I get up...

PAIN

...and I know how it feels. Deep down the pain of separation tears you apart. Its cruel, its unbearable,its suffocating. You cry only to know it doesn't help. You smile but its never from within. The heart aches and no medicine heals it. The worst is that your words cannot express your pain and you fail to show what you are feeling.

White Noise

Sometimes you look around to find yourself surrounded by people. A faceless mass who are preoccupied with their purposes, busy with their goals, lost in their dreams, wasted in their lethargies...and you observe. Observe to see what has made you into 'this' and ask was 'this' what you had aspired to be someday? Unguided, taught, preached to mould your dreams to suit a customised tailored life. I have lost the zeal to chase those shapeless dreams but my strength refuses to let me fall. His hand still clutches mine to remind me that I have always been a "passionate dream chaser" and there is no point to give up. That struggling will keep me going.I do not remember where I read this, it said - Its not about reaching the goal, its the game that matters...or something like that.
Spectating gives me immense pleasure. Its like observing subjects from a close distance without a cage or glass wall, to feel like a part of them and yet make your study. I can hear the white noises too as if I want to shut myself completely from this world and chase the rabbit of my wonderland!

There are times when most of the things seem to be on a standstill and you are just waiting for the next phase. But the halt is getting prolonged making you more and more impatient. Anything but just a change will set things right.Its like being on board a flight and eagerly waiting to land. Know what? m getting airsick now!

Float

I am getting back to my 'floating in air' phase. I had spent last few years in this phase too. Its out of my control and returns to me again and again. I float in a place which disconnects from the present, the surroundings, the sounds, the noises, the people...., I listen coz I have ears, I smile coz its otherwise rude, living coz I am breathing. A dormant mind state and its a lot different from getting high(of course I haven't had that experience yet). I can stand in the midst of a busy crowd walking past me and dedicated to their work. I hear noises like buzzing and I am not interested to hear them at all. A mechanical schedule to keep me going or rather prevent me from falling flat on ground tired and exhausted. I want to lie on plain green grass which isn't wet, hold his hand and sleep on his shoulder. I want to go somewhere else and pity the people around from atop a hot air balloon as if they they are ants. I want a rewind button for a lot of reasons. I smile when I look outside the car window and cry for flimsy causes. The white noise in my head grows and its not possible to describe sometimes what I am thinking. Clothes and shoes don't matter to me.I forget what I wore by the end of the day.Books have taken a secondary place in my life. My back aches without working much. The exertion is placed at a fixed corner of my brain. I named my alarm "dedication" and it gets snoozed 5 times before I wake up.
My arms rub against the tight rope and I think I am loosening the knot now, even if I have to bleed now.

Love,Life and 20 years

I stand here(rather sit:P) perplexed thinking whether I am satisfied or dissatisfied within. For all that has almighty bestowed me with is what a handful of people in this world have and I am grateful to him. But greed has no limits and its human to wish more in life,right? Forgetting about all the mistakes I have done so far and I hope to do more. A perfect result, a perfect degree, a perfect job, a perfect life??? I do not wish to live a 'perfect' life and learn nothing out of it.

Who knows if you do not get to see a 'tomorrow ', but its still worth taking a risk to die in the arms of the person you love.With no regrets because the unsaid words have been spoken. We have less time in our hands and more & more love to share. Its a short life to spread our love across the world.I must say Mother Teresa was one content n happy person on her deathbed.

P.S: Thank you, God for everything!!!

Unexpected!

Sometimes god gives you reason enough to make you believe in him. Sometimes things just happen when you least expect them to happen. You won't blame yourself coz maybe it was meant to be that way. But this wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Something that I had been waiting for all these years happened and I wasn't even prepared for it. I feel stupid for getting swayed in a moment, but I feel like I have got immersed into another world. A world that I was scared to explore, a world so beautiful where everything just feels right, a world that pulled me into it and I ran towards it with open arms.